Balance - Choose What Deserves Your Energy

On one of my feminist posts on TikTok, I received criticism because I mentioned that I have sons and a boyfriend, and that I don’t hate men. I guess challenging male authority while loving men requires an explanation. Well, here it is: I understand that people have value, flaws, habits, and behaviors that deserve different levels of attention. I can recognize all of those things in the same person. It’s called having relationships, using judgment, and knowing how to prioritize. Some of you should give it a try.

Balance comes into play every day, especially in our personal lives. We have to decide what needs addressing immediately, what can be worked on over time, and what we can let go of altogether. Imagine giving someone’s loud chewing the same amount of attention you give their repeated disrespect toward women. At some point, you have to ask yourself what you’re spending all that energy on.

A man who repeatedly talks about women as objects needs to be addressed. That applies in your home, your friendships, and your community. His words influence how women are treated and what the people around him learn to accept. A man being proud of his truck? Let him enjoy his damn truck. You might find it obnoxious. He might find your collection of decorative pillows equally ridiculous. People are allowed to enjoy things you find excessive.

I call this the “bothers you versus bothersome” method. When something gets under your skin, take a moment to identify the actual issue. What is happening? Who is affected? Is someone being harmed, demeaned, controlled, or repeatedly disregarded? Are you dealing with a personal irritation? Your answer should help determine how much attention the situation deserves.

Someone’s laugh, their mouth hanging open, or the way they chew might annoy the hell out of you. Fine. You have preferences. So does everybody else. For an everyday irritation, you can make a reasonable request, move your chair, or get on with your day. If your entire complaint is that somebody enjoys their truck a little too enthusiastically, GET OVER IT. The collective will survive his excitement over those tires.

Behavior that affects other people deserves a conversation. That includes behavior affecting one person’s safety, dignity, or boundaries. Pay attention to the consequences and address what is actually happening. Communicating gives people a chance to understand the concern and respond. I know… communicating. Tough word. I know, we need to practice it.

A lot of people wait until they’re furious before they finally speak clearly or take action. They tolerate something, complain about it under their breath, let it happen again, and keep collecting grievances. Eventually, they reach the point where they hate the person and can barely stand to hear them breathe. By then, every little habit comes with the weight of everything they allowed to pile up.

I see this with parents allllll the damn time. They’re sitting on the couch telling a child, “Don’t do that.” The child continues. The parent repeats it, raises their voice, starts yelling, and eventually gets angry enough to smack the child. The entire situation has been allowed to escalate while the adult keeps issuing instructions from the same spot.

I’m about to piss off a lot of people: YOUR LACK OF SELF-DISCIPLINE belongs in that conversation. Get your ass off the couch and follow through while you can still think clearly. Check that your child understands you. Address what they’re doing, redirect them, and use an appropriate, nonviolent consequence when needed. Your responsibility includes managing your own response throughout that interaction.

When you repeatedly wait until you’re yelling to follow through, you are training your child to treat anger as the signal that is the cue for reaction. In other words, you teach them to respond to anger only. Pay attention to the pattern you’re establishing. Give your words consistency. Handle the situation while you still have the patience to teach something. STOP waiting until you’re pissed off.

The same principle applies to romantic and platonic relationships. Your friends, family, society, and partner. Know your expectations. Understand your boundaries. Communicate them clearly enough that the other person has a fair opportunity to understand what you mean. When a boundary gets crossed, address it and decide what you’re going to do. You can clarify, follow through on a consequence, create distance, or leave. You can make that decision while you still care about someone.

Balance requires judgment. You have to consider the seriousness of the behavior, how often it happens, the effect it has, and how the person responds when you bring it up. Prioritization helps you decide what needs your attention today. Some problems require immediate action. Others take time and cooperation. Certain irritations deserve about thirty seconds of your life before you move on.

I can be outraged by men who mistreat women and appreciate that I raised my sons to respect them. I can challenge male authority, speak up about abuse, and enjoy a relationship with a man who supports women. My feminism and my relationships exist in the same life, guided by the same expectations about respect and accountability.

So if it bothers you that I love my sons, enjoy my boyfriend, and still have plenty to say about men mistreating women, apply the method. Identify the harm. Consider who is affected. Decide how much attention it deserves. Your discomfort with my ability to do all of those things falls into a category I’ve already explained: YOUR problem.

Connect

© 2025 Bianca Ocean Desmore — Oceans Haven. All rights reserved.