to Read Energies Doesn’t Make You an Empath.

So many people call themselves empaths because they can read the energy in a room. They notice tension, recognize discomfort, or sense that somebody’s smile comes with an agenda. That ability is called social perception, and some people are incredibly good at it. People with narcissistic tendencies can have that ability, too. Reading someone gives you information about them. What you choose to do with that information reveals a whole lot about you.

Science distinguishes between cognitive empathy, understanding another person’s perspective, and affective empathy, emotionally sharing what someone else feels. People with narcissistic tendencies can recognize emotions and use that information to their advantage. Research shows that their capacity for empathy varies, with emotional engagement often being an area of difficulty. Knowing exactly where someone hurts can also give a manipulative person directions on where to press.

When I describe myself as an empath, I’m talking about how deeply I FEEL what happens around me. Someone’s sadness can sit with me long after the conversation ends. The atmosphere in a room can become overwhelming before anyone explains what happened. Energy and vibration are the words I use for that experience. Psychology describes a related process called emotional contagion, where another person’s emotions influence your own, sometimes before you realize it.

Let me explain what this looked like in my relationships. Before I understood my own patterns, I would get involved with men and later realize I hadn’t felt the deep attraction I thought I did. Sure, I might have liked their appearance, their humor, or their creativity. But love? Deep attraction? Looking back, I had some serious questions about how I ended up dating or even marrying them.

It took me almost two decades to recognize what I believe was happening. I was responding so strongly to their attraction to me that I experienced it as my attraction to them. Their excitement, attention, and desire filled so much of the relationship that I struggled to identify my own feelings. Once their interest faded, my feelings became much easier to recognize. Every single time, I found myself wondering how the hell I had gotten there.

The confusion was in how certain I had felt. During the relationship, I believed those emotions belonged to me. Afterward, I could finally hear myself clearly enough to question what I had actually wanted. I have been in love once! Now ask me how many relationships I’ve had, lol. You can imagine why I eventually started inspecting the process.

Feeling things deeply can get lonely. Sometimes everything around you feels so loud that you need distance from society just to hear yourself think. Add your spiritual understanding and your questions about worldly matters, and finding someone who understands what you’re trying to explain can become exhausting. I need time alone to sort through what I’m experiencing and recognize what belongs to me.

So if any of this sounds familiar, take your time when you meet someone. Inspect your feelings. What do you enjoy about this person when they’re simply being themselves? How do you feel when the compliments pause and you have some space? What draws you to their character, their conversation, and the way they treat people? Give yourself enough time to answer honestly.

If you’re anything like me, emotional attraction can interfere with the judgment you usually trust. I can notice something immediately in somebody else’s relationship and spend months explaining away the same behavior in my own. Apparently, my observation skills occasionally take a vacation when I like somebody. We can become thoroughly blinded by “love,” including those of us who usually pick up on everything.

Confidence can be attractive. So can creativity, ambition, or somebody whose struggles bring out your desire to help. Take the time to learn who you’re getting involved with. Watch how they handle your boundaries, your independence, and the days when you have very little to give. Their response will tell you plenty about the place your needs occupy in that relationship.

When I say someone can “steal your energy,” I’m describing the exhaustion of continually giving your time, patience, and emotional attention until you barely have anything left for yourself. Some people get very comfortable receiving that much of you. Pay attention to how you feel in their company and after you leave. Give your own emotions room to speak before somebody else’s desire for you becomes the foundation of your next relationship.

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