“You Want Your Kids to Respect You? Start by Respecting Them.”

I suppose before I start giving parenting advice, I should establish why I believe I’m qualified to have this conversation in the first place.

I raised four children. I adopted another one, although “adopted” might be a generous description because she was my son’s girlfriend and basically just never left. At some point I apparently looked around and said, “Well, I guess this one belongs to me now too.”

I have homeschooled. I have used public education. I have parented around religion, alternative lifestyles, different personalities, different needs, different stages of life, and five completely different human beings who absolutely did NOT come with matching instruction manuals. And now they are grown.

Here is the part I’m particularly proud of. None of my children EVER got in trouble with the law.

I mention that specifically because plenty of people had predictions about my children when they were growing up. Parents, pastors, and other self-appointed experts were convinced my liberal, inclusive parenting style was going to produce absolute chaos. Apparently allowing children to think, question things, express themselves, and participate in conversations about their own lives was going to send the whole damn family straight to hell, jail, or possibly both.

Well…

ALL.OF.THEM grew up.

ALL.OF.THEM became functioning adults.

And ALL.OF.THEM still talk to me almost every day. My kids are my best friends.

So yes, I am going to talk about parenting.

I have decades of experience doing it, but more importantly, I have something every parenting philosophy eventually has to answer to: the outcome. And my outcome is five grown human beings who still voluntarily pick up the phone.

Now that we have established that, I have a bone to pick with some of you parents.

You have to respect your kids.

Read that again and calm down.

YES.

Your children deserve respect.

Some parents seem to believe respect automatically travels upward. Children must respect adults, parents, teachers, grandparents, pastors, authority figures, and basically anybody who has managed to stay alive longer than they have.

Meanwhile, adults apparently get to treat children however the hell they want because “I’m the parent.” No.

That little beanball didn’t ask to be here. YOU made that decision.

They did not sit in some pre-birth conference room reviewing applications and say, “Yep. Those two look emotionally stable. Send me in.”

You and another contributing human being made a grown-person decision that resulted in another human being entering this world completely dependent on you.

And then some parents have the audacity to make that child feel guilty for… being dependent on them. Make that make sense.

I absolutely cannot stand hearing parents remind their children about everything they have “sacrificed” for them as though the child accumulated some enormous debt by existing.

“I gave up everything for you. I put a roof over your head. I fed you. I clothed you.” Congratulations. You completed the assignment YOU signed up for.

Your child did not create that obligation. You did. You should probably be grateful they can’t sue you for dragging them into this mess without informed consent.

Okay. That was funnier in my head. 🤣 But you get the picture.

Children should never grow up believing their existence ruined their parents’ lives.

They should know that having the opportunity to raise them was something you valued.

You get to spend time with this human being. You get to watch a personality develop right in front of you. You get to encourage them. You get to teach them. You get to laugh with them. You get to help them discover who they are.

You get the extraordinary responsibility of helping another human being become the best damn version of themselves they can possibly become. That is parenting. And respect needs to be part of it.

Respecting your child means understanding that they are allowed to have feelings you disagree with. They are allowed to dislike something you like. They are allowed to tell you when something hurts them. They are allowed to have boundaries. They are allowed to have expectations about how people treat them. They are allowed to say, “I don’t like that.”

And for the love of everything, stop calling that disrespect simply because you don’t like hearing it.

A child communicating discomfort is communicating. A child questioning something is thinking. A child disagreeing with you is developing an identity. A child establishing a boundary is learning something they will desperately need as an adult.

Those are skills we should be teaching them, not punishing out of them.

You cannot spend eighteen years teaching your child that adults are allowed to ignore their boundaries and then suddenly expect them to become an adult who recognizes unhealthy relationships. Think about that one. Home is their first relationship classroom. You are one of their first teachers.

How you respond when they say no matters. How you respond when they disagree matters. How you apologize when YOU are wrong matters. How you handle their emotions matters. How you respect their privacy matters. How you speak to them when you’re angry matters.

And yes, how you allow them to speak to you matters too. Respect goes both ways. Teaching children respectful communication absolutely includes correcting behavior when necessary. Respectful parenting does not mean children run the damn house while you hide in the pantry eating emergency chocolate.

It means discipline does not require humiliation. Authority does not require intimidation. Guidance does not require ownership. Parenting does not give you permission to disregard the humanity of the person you created.

Your child is experiencing life for the first time too.

They are learning how relationships work while they are inside one with you. They are learning what love feels like from the way you love them. They are learning what respect looks like from the way you respect them. They are learning whether boundaries are safe to communicate by watching what happens when they communicate one to YOU.

That is an enormous responsibility. So yes, I believe children deserve respect.

Actually, I will take it one step further.

They deserve it before they ever learn how to earn yours. Because you made the decision that brought them here.

They had no choice in the matter. You did.

Be grateful they are here. Love the hell out of them. Encourage them. Listen to them. Laugh with them. Correct them when necessary. Apologize when necessary. Let them become themselves instead of forcing them to become an extension of you.

And respect the human being standing in front of you. One day that little beanball is going to grow up.

And when they no longer HAVE to come home, HAVE to answer your phone calls, HAVE to sit at your table, or HAVE to include you in their life, you will finally discover what kind of relationship you actually built.

Mine still call.

Almost every damn day.

And THAT is the parenting accomplishment I am most proud of.

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© 2025 Bianca Ocean Desmore — Oceans Haven. All rights reserved.